I am ashamed to admit this, but when my son was younger, I didn't like him. I didn't like who he was. He wasn't what I expected. He didn't act and behave like I wanted him to. He was difficult and challenging, and I thought that wasn't fair.
But then a still, small voice asked me three powerful questions that shook me. What if there really isn't anything wrong with Casey-what if, in fact, he has been wired this way, on purpose? What if you are frustrating this purpose instead of helping fulfill it? What if YOU are the one who needs to change and grow up?
I remember several sleepless nights as I pondered those questions. Through my own desire to change Casey-partly for my own convenience and partly so he would have a "better, "easier" life with school, friends and a job-was I perhaps missing the entire point of his life? These three questions are what ultimately led to my own personal transformation and the beginnings of Celebrate!Calm.
I was reminded of this as I worked with a teenage boy who had tried to end his life. Each day as I drove back home from his house, I cried and cried deeply. It was part fear, part relief, part gratitude. I saw in this boy's eyes what surely could have been in Casey's eyes.
We had a breakthrough at the end of last week and I want to share with you five lessons that this amazing teenager shared with me. We can apply this to our kids, at any age. Teachers, you can apply these lessons as well, to your students. And it is very, very powerful.
Jacob's Story
Jacob has grown up in what you would consider a normal home with two siblings. His parents have wanted the best for him. He has always tested as very bright, but has underachieved in school. Sound familiar? His testing profile and school record are pretty typical for our kids-many difficulties and concerns with a few, brief rays of sunshine scattered amidst mainly dreary reports.
It was clear when I met Jacob that he had absolutely no understanding of who he was. His identity was wrapped up in his mistakes, in feeling different from everyone else, not measuring up to the standards of his parents or siblings. He was lost.
My goal was to help Jacob discover three realizations, positive aspects of his identity and/or action steps he could take now. I asked him a favor-would you please download my CD's onto your iPOd and listen to them, alone, for an hour a day? In classic fashion, he replied, "Whatever" and then smiled.
(A couple funny asides before we get very serious: I don't know whether to take this as an insult or compliment, but Jacob said my voice put him to sleep every night : ) I'll take that as a calming compliment. Once he was listening at the dinner table. His family got on him about it. Obviously trying to tweak his parents, he replied, "My personal coach said I need to be listening at all times." I'd been working with the Dad, who didn't miss a beat and calmly, dryly replied, "Tell your personal coach he's welcome to join us for dinner anytime, but he needs to be quiet at the table." The entire family laughed, a good sign.)
At the end of last week, Jacob told me five things that blew me away. You will notice how vivid his descriptions and analogies are-very visual. I thought we could all benefit from his insight and wisdom. You may want to grab a Kleenex.
5 Critical Realizations
(1) "I am not alone. I am not weird. I am designed this way on purpose." Jacob told me for the first time in his life that he felt "normal" or "like I'm who I'm supposed to be." He said it was very reassuring to hear on the CD's about that the behavior patterns and thinking styles of our kids is so prevalent, especially in highly successful people like Steve Jobs, who created the iPod.
He said, "I always thought there was something wrong with me, like I was defective. Everyone I met was always trying to fix me so I thought I was broken. Whenever I watched Rudolph at Christmas time, I thought that's where I would be: on the Island of Misfit Toys. Now the picture is getting clearer and I'm beginning to like myself and even feel glad that I am made this way."
(2) "I have gifts and passions." More Jacob: "I kind of had glimmers of this, but it always got snuffed out like the candle when dinner was over. I saw some of these things inside me, but it never fit with what everyone else was doing, so I didn't know it was okay to pursue these dreams."
We must, must, must identify and cultivate our child's natural gifts, talents and passions. Many of your kids like to cook, act, write, draw, teach/mentor younger children, earn money, take care of animals, build, invent, create, sing, play music. Find ways for your kids to express these gifts and passions through internships, volunteer work (at animal shelters, senior homes, soup kitchens), jobs and starting their own businesses in the neighborhood. Teachers, use these gifts in your classroom-it builds confidence and vision, and actually helps with social skills as well.
(3) "I am not lazy or stupid." Jacob told me, "You don't really come right out and say this directly on the CD's, but it hit me late one night that what everyone had said about me wasn't true. I am not lazy and I'm not stupid. I learn differently and I know now I need to use those gifts inside me and that motivates me. It makes sense now. I always knew that I concentrated better when I was moving or chewing gum or listening to music, but I thought that was just some excuse and you weren't supposed to do it that way. I tried to be like everyone else and when that didn't work, I kind of gave up and shut down."
I am going to repeat that line because as I just wrote it, I could feel the tears well in my eyes and that's how I know it's powerful. Read this again and let it sink in. This is how many of our kids and students feel:
"I tried to be like everyone else and when that didn't work, I kind of gave up and shut down."
Can't you hear many of our kids saying this? These kids have devastating insight into human nature when we slow down and listen to them. They are prophets without a voice.
(4) "I realized I needed to apologize to my parents." Okay, just as I was picking myself up off the floor, Jacob utters this one. I told Jacob he only needed three insights and that he was exceeding expectations. His reply, "Don't label me an overachiever now!"
More Jacob: "The most difficult CD for me was number four because it's about personal responsibility, about how parents often take responsibility for their kids' behavior and attitudes. I realized that I had been blaming my parents for my issues and that I was taking everything out on them. They tried to cover for me, make excuses and all that, but in the end you pretty much said I had to grow up and take responsibility. So last night, I asked my parents if we could talk. I apologized to my Dad first. He got all emotional. I don't think my Mom heard me apologize to her because she was sobbing. It got to be a little much for me so I left the room, but it felt good to stand on my own, to forgive and be forgiven."
(5) "It's my life." A final lesson from Jacob. "I like how you told your son that it's his life, not yours. At first, I thought you were being a jerk to him. But you're actually giving him freedom and power. I was giving other people power over my life, over my emotions and how I reacted to everything. I was just reacting to other people's expectations and I was letting them control me. Now I know that it's my life and I get to determine what it's like."
I have nothing to add. Please pray for Jacob and millions of kids just like him.
Do you know how to build your child's confidence? In one of the 10 E-Courses, we give you a template and action plan for cultivating your child's gifts, talents and passions. You can see the outline below, as well as all the other practical information we provide (building social skills, getting thoughts from head to paper, etc.).
This special group of written E-Courses and Bonus Reports contains information above and beyond what we've ever offered before. The cost is usually $200, but we're going to give away the 10 E-Courses this month with the purchase of any set of CD's--plus, we're going to add a $100 discount on top of that.
Click here to purchase the CD's.
Just write the code word 100 in the Coupon Code box and this will automatically give you a $100 Discount off the 6CD Parenting Set, 3CD Brain Boosters™ Academic Success Set, 9CD Combo Pack or Parenting & Marriage Set.
Plus, we will automatically email to you, for free, the following E-Courses that you can view online or print out:
(1) Writing tips-keys to getting thoughts from head to paper.
(2) How to improve social skills.
(3) 3 keys to motivating your child.
(4) Guide to discipline.
(5) A form for completing a Family Agreement together.
(6) How to calm an angry child.
(7) 7 alternatives to punishment.
(8) Why our kids lie.
(9) A special letter to Dads.
(10) 10 ways to build confidence.
10 Secrets to Build Confidence
Preamble Create Your Master Action Plan
Lesson 1 Celebrate Differences
Lesson 2 Celebrate Trailblazing Qualities
Lesson 3 Celebrate Competitive Advantages
Lesson 4 Capitalize on Future Trends
Lesson 5 Turn Negatives into Positives
Lesson 6 Develop Your Child's Gifts, Talents and Passions
Lesson 7 Craft a Vision with Large Goals
Lesson 8 Live with Purpose
Lesson 9 Identify & Overcome Obstacles
Lesson 10 Enjoy Your Child
