(1) "SHOULD I MAKE MY CHILD WEAR A COAT OUTSIDE?"
No. How's that for decisive?! In general, I don't like "making" a child do anything. I'm not saying you let them run the house by any means. You are the grown-up, but that means you control your actions and they control themselves. I want my child to learn to make choices and be responsible for the consequences.
Here's the reactive approach: You begin the day with endless arguing, a fight and wasted time (which causes you to rush even more) trying to make your child wear his jacket. Why? Is it worth it?
First, many of our kids with sensory issues don't like wearing jackets because they are too encumbering and make them too warm. I rarely wear a jacket, even when I'm in Chicago in January.
"But what if my child gets cold and gets sick?" It serves him right, and maybe he'll learn next time to wear a coat. Really. Here's the Calm Coach Approach: "Jason, it's pretty cold out there today. I don't know about you, but I'm wearing a jacket." Leave it at that. If they get sick, take care of them. But I wouldn't have any extra sympathy for them. That's the consequence of not wearing a jacket. Miss school work because you're sick? Well, you're going to have to make it up on your time then.
I love my son, but I am not going to manage his life for him. If he turns in his time sheets by the deadline, he gets paid for officiating hockey games. If he doesn't, he doesn't get paid. My wife used to be neurotic about reminding him, but really, it doesn't affect us if he misses the deadline. I know it sounds cold, but I choose to trust my son and let him experience the impact of his decisions--good and bad.
"But if my son doesn't wear a jacket, I'll look like a bad parent because all the other kids are wearing their coats." Ah hah! So there we have it. You are being ruled by your own anxiety and fear of embarrassment, and then transferring that on your child. Why does it matter? It isn't your decision, it's your child's. Here's a good resolution: get over being embarrassed!
Please, let it go. Why waste 15 minutes starting the day over a silly fight when it's not even important?
"Well, aren't we supposed to show that we're in control?" First, let's show that we're actually in control of ourselves. Arguing with an 8-year-old over a jacket and getting all worked up just shows that you are not in control! Besides, they just take the jacket off when you are out of sight.
"But my son is so strong-willed. I can't let him have his way." Huh? If you have a strong-willed child, tell me who is the strong-willed parent? Smile here, please. Because you can't have one in isolation-he has to be fighting someone else's strong will. Parenting is not about breaking your child's will or imposing your dominance like a dog in a pack.
You demonstrate your strength and authority by calming your own anxiety, trusting your child to make decisions, having the emotional strength to watch him reap the consequences of his decisions and celebrating when he reaps rewards from good decisions.
"WHY DOES MY CHILD MAKE EVERYTHING SO DIFFICULT?"
Ever notice our kids seem to intentionally make even ordinary tasks difficult? Remember, always look at the need your child is trying to meet rather than the outward behavior.
I'll give you a few examples from toddlers and teens. One afternoon, two of my young nieces were getting a little antsy, so I asked if they wanted to go for a walk. We got outside and the youngest one took her vest jacket off. I was okay with that, but I said firmly, "You don't have to wear it, but I am NOT going to carry it for you." So she slung one arm through the vest jacket and let the rest of the jacket hang down, trailing along on the sidewalk, having to constantly readjust it.
I walked behind the two girls and just watched. Here's what struck me. It would have been SO much easier to have put both arms through the vest and kept in unzipped, but my niece insisted on dangling and readjusting for 30 minutes.
These kinds of things bug you to no end because they don't make sense on the surface. But that's because you're looking at it from YOUR viewpoint. Remember how the traffic cop in our children's brains are asleep so they are constantly looking for stimulation?
Well, this is one way they seek the stimulation. It is much more of a challenge to carry the jacket this way. Sure, it's harder, but my niece didn't care. Ease wasn't what she valued. Not wearing the jacket and making it a challenge was primary.
I admit that I do this all the time. I'll take a routine task and complicate it so that it's a challenge for me. It doesn't make sense to my wife, but that's okay. So look for ways to make ordinary tasks around the house, and in the classroom, a bigger challenge and you'll get a better response.
The second reason our kids do this, in the grand design, is this comical cosmic dynamic. We think God has given us our kids so that we can teach them how to grow up. In the end, our kids become the agents of change to help US finally grow up! Challenges like this force us to grow up and control our own anxiety. It is annoying and it takes everything within you to resist the urge to lecture, explain 14 times why your child should do it YOUR way, and ultimately yell in disgust. But that's good. Because it makes us learn to ease our own anxiety, focus on controlling ourselves and be the adult. Maybe WE are the ones who make things difficult sometimes!
"Why can't my teenage daughter give me a straight answer?" I'm in Dallas, TX conducting an in-home consultation with a family. The frazzled Mom asks, "How did you do on your Civics test today?" Her daughter will either reply, "Mom, I completely bombed it" or "I aced it, perfect score." Neither of which is true. After her Mom reacts either with disappointment or happiness, her daughter will say, "Just kidding, Mom. I got an 82." So why won't the daughter just reply, "I got an 82" in the first place?
Stimulation. One, she gets an emotional reaction from her Mom, which releases a pleasing chemical in the girl's brain. Her Mom is like one of those dolls who talks when you pull the string. The 14-year-old is completely in control of the 42-year-old. Two, it's just plain boring to respond, "I got an 82." Now I know this Mom wanted me to lecture the daughter and convince her to stop goading her. And I did encourage the daughter to seek stimulation from positive sources. But at the same time, the Mom ultimately must refuse to be the toy.
So don't let your kids get an emotional reaction. It's their grade and their life anyway, so no skin off your back. The sooner you stop reacting, the sooner we can redirect your child to seek stimulation from purposeful missions.
"Why does my son prefer to get sent to the Principal's office so often?" The teens that I coach will tell me point blank, "I get so bored in class that I'd rather get in trouble than endure the boredom." So they will intentionally say something to tweak a teacher. They then are rewarded by getting out of class, walking the hallways and enjoying some banter with the Principal, whom they usually charm!
So let's get our kids engaged with some ownership in class using their gifts, talents and passions. Meet that need for stimulation in positive ways before it finds a negative outlet.
Encouragement from Other Parents
Last week you visited our school in Long Island, NY. Thank you for what you do. I'm so glad I "broke the budget" and purchased the CDs. Things have changed so much in just this short week and while there have been ups and downs - what an improvement - calm all around. I feel so much more prepared to handle things and even got my husband on board! Thanks to you and your crew for making these CDs - oh and your son too.
Long Island parent
I enjoyed listening to you in person on Sunday. I really felt like the folks who had not heard your CDs were only getting half the story - because the CDs absolutely convince a parent that they can become the parent they should be.
C.B, Parent in Arlington, VA
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