If you have children who do not respond to consequences, or have lost all privileges until they are 42, that's a good clue that we need to develop your child's internal motivation.
Many of our kids struggle in school because they have difficulty with the writing process (dysgraphia and getting thoughts from head to paper), processing information, anxiety, sensory issues, social skills (asynchronous development) and impulse control among others. We address all of these issues in specific, practical ways through our Brain Boosters™ curriculum.
But I want to address a different question: how to motivate an apathetic student. I have used a few recent inquiries to answer separate questions.
Q: Can you make my child care more about school?
A: No. And neither can you. Or anyone else. At least not directly. Motivation must come from within, especially for children like ours who are more independent.
When parents ask us to help an apathetic child, they want us to get their child actively interested in studying, doing homework and improving their grades. But I NEVER ever begin with school issues. Ever. School is important to us as parents, and it is often our anxiety about school issues that drives our kids away from academics.
My first course of action with each and every apathetic child has nothing to do with school-I want to ignite their internal fire by developing what is important to THEM. And that always comes by cultivating and developing a child's gifts, talents and passions. I want to find ways for our kids to do what they love and what they are good at doing, especially if it has a larger purpose.
I want to create as many positive experiences as possible, to create a "success" mindset, to develop a vision for life, which ultimately breeds confidence and internal motivation.
So let's look at practical ways to apply this. Apply the principles to your specific situation even if your child is a different age.
Q: I have an apathetic 8th grade daughter who hides in her room and does nothing but read. She's not interested in anything else and her grades are suffering. What can I do?
Does your daughter get along well with younger kids? Most of our kids are magnets for younger children.
Q: Yes, younger kids love my daughter.
Okay, here is what I would do. You have to be the shepherd who finds ways for your child to express her gifts and passions. I would talk to an English teach at school, and have her approach your daughter in the following way:
"Sarah, I've heard you LOVE to read. I have some younger students who are struggling. Could you help me teach these kids how to read? It would really help me a lot and the kids would enjoy your help."
I would even look for opportunities for your daughter to work at a summer camp teaching kids how to read, volunteering for literacy projects, etc.
I guarantee your daughter will come alive when she sees how she is using her gifts to help others. She will be getting out of the house (good for you, and her!), will be accountable to another adult, will be receiving praise from adults and feeling very good about herself.
Along the way, she's going to develop a vision because adults are going to tell her, "You could be a teacher one day, Sarah. You could become a therapist or social worker to change your community." And once she develops a vision for using HER gifts and passions to help others, confidence and internal motivation soon follow. She'll now have a reason to study and go to college because she OWNS it now.
Q: My son loves to draw, but won't take lessons. Plus I can never get him up in the morning. How can I motivate him better?
Apply the same principles as above. Go to his school and meet with an art teacher. I would ask the art teacher to approach your son with the following:
"Hey, Jason, I have seen your graffiti all over the school, especially in the boys' bathroom. You're very good. But we need to use that gift in positive ways. We have this school play coming up. And I could really use your help (great phrase, by the way!) designing some posters for the hallways. So could you come in 30 minutes early every day next week to help me out?"
Jason won't be excited to go to school for academics, but he will be motivated to help the art teacher. He'll probably even bug you in the morning to get to school early! Because he has some ownership and investment, and because it feels so good to have someone believe in you and use your gifts and passions.
He will be accountable to the art teacher. The art teacher will tell him, "Jason, you could be a graphic designer one day; an architect; an art teacher." And that instills vision and confidence.
It is THIS that ultimately helps our kids become invested in school and their own future. But it doesn't begin with school-it begins with developing THEIR gifts and passions.
Caveat: some of you have children who are just not motivated by anything. You get frustrated because you expose them to opportunities, but they never put the effort into it, never stick with anything long enough and just fall back to video games or what is comfortable. Be patient. Your kids will dabble here and there, and will progress in their own time. You cannot force it. Resist the urge to press and compare to siblings or other kids--that's a negative trap. Keep encouraging them, finding small ways for them to use their gifts and passions and be patient. One day, their passion will kick in and they will make up for lost time quickly.
